A Dark Hour

When I completed my first semester of nursing school, I was exhausted but in a pretty good place overall. I finished well academically and felt confident in my ability to succeed as long as I took care of myself and stayed on track.

Then I got the lowest grade I've gotten so far in the program on my first test of the semester. Then I did even worse on my second test last night. It's a 5-week intensive course, so there isn't much time to bring up my grade. I'm frazzled, to say the least. My school doesn't allow extra credit projects, and if you get below an 80% in any class, you're out of the program. I'm way too close to that line right now.

I have some chronic medical issues most people don't know about, and I don't want to get into right now, but it's enough to know they are having an impact on my overall anxiety level and general wellness right now. I'm trying to study at least 5-7 hours a day on top of 5-6 hours of class, but it's just not enough to learn everything. Some of you may know I have learning disabilities, so it takes me longer than the average joe to learn new material. My health issues have surfaced lately and have slowed me down. I know I need to rest so my chronic issues don't get worse, but studying less creates a great deal of anxiety because I have very little cushion in my grade right now. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. So, pray for wisdom and the courage to actually rest and take the time my body needs.

I know I need to be willing to walk through my fear of failure. I've always put way too much stock in my grades, and this has been a great opportunity to grow through being humbled! It's embarrassing to even admit I'm struggling, but I'm hoping this will be therapeutic. I want to be so content with who I am in Christ that I can fail out of nursing school and not waiver in that identity. Of course, I don't want to fail, and I certainly don't plan on it, but I need to be willing to celebrate God's will no matter what. He alone knows what's best for me.

Your prayers and encouraging notes mean a lot. Most of the time I love living alone, but sometimes it can get lonely, and even a simple comment on facebook means a lot! You get bonus friend points if you can make me laugh. I want to say a special "thank you" to my awesome family who has been incredibly supportive. Let's hope my next update is much more cheerful!