Treading water

I've decided that I feel like I've just finished a marathon, and someone threw me in the deep end of the pool. So few days, so much fatigue, and so much left to learn! I'm at the point where I actually wish there was more time until graduation, because I can't imagine how I'm going to possibly accomplish all I need to in the next 13 days. In an attempt to organize my brain, here is my schedule for the next few days:

Wednesday: class from 3pm-9pm
Thursday: In-class nursing boards review 8:00am-5:00pm, study until bedtime
Friday: In-class nursing boards review 8:00am-5:00pm, study until bedtime
Weekend: study like mad!!
Monday: In-class nursing boards review 8:00am-5:00pm, study until bedtime
Tuesday: In-class nursing boards review 8:00am-5:00pm, study until bedtime
Wednesday: 3:00pm-6:30pm 3 tests and a lecture; study until bedtime
Thursday: 3:00-6:30 my last regular nursing test!!, study until bedtime
Weekend: study like mad!
Monday: Take my final exam!!!

Sorry, I just read through that, and it's kind of boring, and you probably don't care. I'm too tired to delete it. And...you already read it, so it's too late to get that time back.

Good news:
1. I've finished my graduation paperwork
2. I have my graduation outfit ready to go (all white. yuck!)
3. My graduation party is in swing
4. Clinicals are done!
5. No matter how terrible the next 2 weeks are, when it's done, I'll be done! (Assuming I graduate!)

46 more days

During my nursing school orientation evening, we ran into the then current class, and I asked them when they were graduating. When I learned they had 2 weeks to go, I was, to be honest, jealous! I remember thinking I couldn't imagine being that close to graduation, and that 16 months sounded like a long time. I'm not quite at 2 weeks to go, but 46 days is pretty darn close. I have 6 tests and 1 final exam standing in between me and graduation day. That probably doesn't seem like too much to you, but considering I study about 50-60 hours per test, it feels like a lot today as I sit on my couch with my study materials spread out around me.

I've never had such a bad case of senioritis! This last semester has probably been the most difficult, academically and emotionally. There is increasing tension in the classroom, and it seems like everyone, including our professor, is exhausted and stressed. This final course is extremely difficult. This week I earned my lowest test grade of the entire program. Many of us are hovering near the passing line, and if we don't pass this final course, we will fail out of the program and be required to start from the beginning. Yes, the very beginning. One of my classmates made it to 3 weeks before graduation several years ago and was removed from the program because of 1 failing grade. Needless to say, that's a terrifying realization. So, now is not the time to cruise to graduation. It's the time to buckle down and work harder than ever. I'm reminded of a verse I heard my dear friend, Bob Tissot, quote frequently. "We will reap a harvest if we don't give up." I'm ready for the harvest, and I will hard to earn it. I pray I can carry on for the next 46 days, and that, by the grace of God, I'll walk across the stage.

As for after graduation, my long-term goals aren't clear. My first goal is to take and pass my board exams, which will take place in early February. After that, I'll start applying to a wide variety of jobs to see what seems like a good fit.

Thanks for all your prayers and encouragement through this journey.

I need help!

I just finished my last final exam of the summer semester, and therefore, I'm officially 3/4 of the way done with my degree. I know that's supposed to sound a lot, but honestly, December seems like a million years away. It's interesting how time passes at the same speed, but some days it feels so much slower or faster.

I have a short break until the day after Labor Day when I'll start my final semester. I'm only taking two classes along with my clinicals, but I have a feeling they will be 2 of the hardest because of the content and professors I have next semester. On top of that, it's time to start studying specifically for my nursing board exam, called the NCLEX. My goal is to take it in late January. I should be studying several hours a day from now until then on top of my regular homework.

There is when I ask for help. I could use your help in 2 ways: prayer and accountability. I have a feeling I'm going to find it difficult to study for a test I know is 5 months away, so I think knowing people are going to ask me how my studying is going will light a fire under me! If you're willing, let me know, and I'd love to keep you updated on the specifics of how things are going and give you more info on how to pray and keep me accountable to study for my boards.

Thank you for all your support, encouragement and prayers over the past year!

Starting at the beginning

As I was trying to decide what to write about today, I went back and read my first blog post, written 1 1/2 years ago. I figured it would be interesting to revisit that post and comment on what I said then, compared to how I feel now. (new comments are bolded)

One of my earliest memories is sitting on the floor in my public library. I was in the children's section, searching for a book on medicine. I explained what I was looking for to the librarian, but she kept directing me to silly "kids books" on topics like, "our changing bodies," and "Everybody Poops." In utter frustration, I gave up searching. There wasn't a single book in the children's section about how to deliver a baby or take out an appendix. That was what I wanted to know. I now know how to deliver a baby!

I've been fascinated with medicine for as long as I can remember. I was the perfect age to become enthralled with ER in the mid-nineties, and I've probably seen the entire series (all 15 seasons), 8 times. I've watched them through again, and it's amazing how much I missed before, and how much medical knowledge I have now. When I was in college, I remember a time when I was studying at a Starbucks and was watching medical students at the adjacent table. They looked terrible. They were clearly exhausted, stressed out, and overwhelmed with studying. I was jealous. When I'm having a bad day, and can't seem to make myself study one more minute, I close my eyes and reflect on that memory from 20 years ago. I know what it's like to study for 12 hours a day. It's a necessary evil.

So, why didn't I become a doctor? The answer to that question is complicated. The semi-simple version is that I'm not good at math and science, I didn't want to pay for med school, I have multiple significant health issues, and I never thought I would need a career. (I was going to get married at 22, you see.) Ha! Still single with no man in sight!

I pursued education, and have been working in various aspects of higher education and teaching over the past 12 years. I have enjoyed certain aspects of each my jobs, but ultimately, the call of medicine has never left. When I lost my job last year, I made the decision to pursue a career in the medical field. Medical school was out for the before stated reasons, but I began to research other options in my area.

I landed on an LPN program at a trade school near my apartment. It's fast, affordable, and designed for adult learners. My first class, Medical Math, starts next week on Monday and Wednesday nights, followed in quick secession by anatomy and Physiology on Tuesday and Thursday nights. I've filled out my FAFSA, my anatomy flash cards arrived in the mail today, and I have dusted off my backpack from high school (no joke). What else could I possibly need to be successful?! Endurance. A lot of endurance! I thought those first two classes were hard when I was in taking them. Tip of the iceberg.... I'm glad I didn't know how hard it would get, or I would haven't had the courage to do it!

I'm inviting you to join me in my adventure in nursing. I will graduate in December of 2018, but of course, that will only be the beginning of this story. I tend to wish away the painful parts of life, and I want to cherish each stage of this journey. I think I've failed in cherishing the journey so far, I'm afraid to admit. I want to learn to appreciate the steps and not just the end. I will need you to remind me to be content while I sacrifice family time to memorize all the bones in the body. Memorizing all the bones ended up being really easy. That turned out to be the least of my problems. I will need a pep talk before I start my first IV. At less than 6 months until graduation, I still haven't started an IV on a human. (Just in the lab). This skill still scares me! I will need your prayers most of all. Still very true. The studying, hard work, and concerns about finances weigh heavily on my heart. I eventually found a scholarship to cover all my expenses, so that was a huge blessing, but I had to quit my job because I couldn't handle it and school. Money has been the biggest stress for me outside of school. And yet, I can't wait to start on Monday. Welcome to my adventure! Thanks for taking this journey with me so far.

A red hat, the Titans, and rivers of water

Yesterday I had the privilege of volunteering on the medical team at the TN Special Olympics. My nursing school has been doing it for years, and many of my classmates and I had the chance to hang out with some amazing kids and adults! The highlight of the day was the opening ceremonies, watching the teams walk in the area in their colorful team outfits. The ceremonies had a dance party, a speech by the Titans head coach, t-shirt cannons, balloons raining from the ceiling, and lots of laughing and cheering.

The medical team wore red hats, as you can see from the picture. On my way there I commented to one of my classmates that I can't believe we are trusted with such important roles already! We were in pairs, but still responsible for all medical care until our teacher showed up at our event. I was stationed at powerlifting, which it turns out, is one of the most dangerous spots because of potential crush injuries. Fortunately, it was an injury-free zone yesterday!

The most challenging part of the night was the torrential downpour. By the time the rain stopped, there were rivers of deep water all over the campus, making for hazardous walking conditions, and many of the athletes have limited mobility. That was actually the scariest part of the night for me, as I stood in deep, fast-moving water, ready to spring into action if someone needed me. As far as I know, all the athletes arrived at the opening ceremonies safe and sound!

As someone with learning disabilities, yesterday was a valuable lesson to focus on the things I can do, rather than the things I can't.

Halfway done!

Today was the last day of my second semester, and therefore, I'm officially halfway done with nursing school. I'm officially halfway excited and halfway exhausted. Because I'm so tired and have no creative capacity right now, I decided to do the simplest post format I could think of: I'll just answer the most common questions I get about school.

Are you enjoying it?
Not exactly. I can wholeheartedly say I find it challenging and fascinating, but it's too overwhelming and stressful to really "enjoy it."

What classes are you taking?
I just completed Medical-Surgical Nursing 1, Mental Health Nursing, Pharmacology 1, and Maternity Nursing. Next semester, which starts on Tuesday, I'll be taking Pediatric Nursing, Medical-Surgical Nursing 2, and Pharmacology 2.

How are clinicals going? How does that work?
Clinicals started about a month ago. I spent those first weeks at a nursing home doing the basics like bed baths, head-to-toe assessments, giving injections, tube feeding, etc. Every few weeks I'll travel to a new location, including other long-term care facilities, an OB hospital, a psychiatric ward, the jail, and a daycare. Clinicals are on Monday and Tuesday nights, and I have classes on Wednesday and Thursday nights. So far, I haven't done much more than what I did as a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant), but I'll have a chance to do a lot more in the coming months.

What are your plans after graduation?
As long as things go as planned, I'll graduate on December 21st. In order to be a licensed nurse, I need to take a board exam. I'll probably take 6 weeks or so to study before I attempt the test. At this point, I'm interested in either being a school nurse or working in a doctor's office, but who knows! I've only had experience working with geriatric patients, so maybe something will peak my interest in the next 8 months. I will be an LPN when I graduate and pass boards, and if I want to work in something specific like OB or Surgery, I would need to go to school for another year and a half or so to earn my RN license. I think I'll want a short break before taking that on, but I wouldn't want to get too rusty before I keep going. If I have a job I love, then maybe I'll just stay there and not go for my RN. Goodness knows I've spent enough of my adult life in college! I'm not really planning that far ahead. I'm just trying to get through one day at a time right now!

Which class or subject has been your favorite?
I loved learning about postpartum nursing. I'm excited for my OB rotation this summer! There is a lot of teaching involved in this field of nursing, so it combines my love of medicine with my teaching heart.

Let me know any other questions you might have!

Procrastination and an attempt at humor

A girl can't study 24 hours a day, so I came up with this list of things nursing students never say:

White scrubs are such a perfect color for this job.

I’ve gone to the bathroom 6 times already during this shift.

I wish the nursing homes would turn up the heat. It's freezing in here! (For reals, one room was set on 90 degrees!!!)

I was so bored this weekend I binged Gilmore Girls for, like, the 5th time.

I ate an amazing steak from the cafeteria during my hour-long lunch break today.

I can’t wait to write care plans after I graduate.

I’m totally confident about passing my boards.

Those test questions were so clear and straight from the powerpoint slides, but I wish there had been more "select all that apply" questions.

I wrote that paper the night we got the syllabus.

I’ve lost so much weight this semester.

Inserting my first foley cath was such a peaceful experience.

My hands feel so moisturized after clinicals today.

I slept, like, at least 11 hours last night.

I’ve been on so many dates this year.

My feet, neck, and back feel amazing.

Scrubs are so flattering.

I’m not tired of wearing my hair in a bun.

I don’t miss wearing nail polish, jewelry, or shoes that aren't all-white leather.

I’m going to be five minutes late to clinicals.

I studied too much for this test.

I wish my professors would talk about the importance of washing my hands.

You want me to put this where??

2 miracles

I want to tell you about 2 miracles. The first is that I'm an inch farther away from the failure line. I'm not where I want to be, (let's face it, all A's), but at this point, I felt it was safe to buy books for the next semester. I have a test today, one tomorrow, and another on Thursday, so hopefully I'll still feel safe by Friday morning!

The second miracle is what I've been learning about fetal development. If it isn't proof of a creator and intentional design, I don't know what it. Have you ever thought about how babies breathe in the uterus? Did you know their heart is beating when they are 8-weeks old? They are less than an inch long, but their heart is circulating blood. Did you know that a baby's heart works, in some ways, the opposite in the womb, and then when we are born, 3 shunts fuse shut so we can breathe with our lungs and circulate blood differently? If any of you are actually interested in learning more, take a look at this video I've been watching on repeat, trying desperately to memorize for my test this afternoon.

Thanks for all your prayers, support, and encouragement. Only 11 months until graduation!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9O-i6k0mGrU&index=22&list=PLvA06TlF72GPG1WVxD3s-_qrqo7m0z5h_

p.s. Did you know pregnant women can get scurvy? I thought only pirates got that! (it's basically bleeding gums and other yucky things in your mouth due to the excretion of hormones and extra saliva during pregnancy)

A Dark Hour

When I completed my first semester of nursing school, I was exhausted but in a pretty good place overall. I finished well academically and felt confident in my ability to succeed as long as I took care of myself and stayed on track.

Then I got the lowest grade I've gotten so far in the program on my first test of the semester. Then I did even worse on my second test last night. It's a 5-week intensive course, so there isn't much time to bring up my grade. I'm frazzled, to say the least. My school doesn't allow extra credit projects, and if you get below an 80% in any class, you're out of the program. I'm way too close to that line right now.

I have some chronic medical issues most people don't know about, and I don't want to get into right now, but it's enough to know they are having an impact on my overall anxiety level and general wellness right now. I'm trying to study at least 5-7 hours a day on top of 5-6 hours of class, but it's just not enough to learn everything. Some of you may know I have learning disabilities, so it takes me longer than the average joe to learn new material. My health issues have surfaced lately and have slowed me down. I know I need to rest so my chronic issues don't get worse, but studying less creates a great deal of anxiety because I have very little cushion in my grade right now. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. So, pray for wisdom and the courage to actually rest and take the time my body needs.

I know I need to be willing to walk through my fear of failure. I've always put way too much stock in my grades, and this has been a great opportunity to grow through being humbled! It's embarrassing to even admit I'm struggling, but I'm hoping this will be therapeutic. I want to be so content with who I am in Christ that I can fail out of nursing school and not waiver in that identity. Of course, I don't want to fail, and I certainly don't plan on it, but I need to be willing to celebrate God's will no matter what. He alone knows what's best for me.

Your prayers and encouraging notes mean a lot. Most of the time I love living alone, but sometimes it can get lonely, and even a simple comment on facebook means a lot! You get bonus friend points if you can make me laugh. I want to say a special "thank you" to my awesome family who has been incredibly supportive. Let's hope my next update is much more cheerful!